One of the joys of a relationship is you never stop learning stuff about each other.
The Doctor and I were watching Only Connect this week like the swotty queers we are, and there was a Star Trek-related question - from which I learned that their ST awareness amounts to:
Mr Spock: Live Long and Prosper hand gesture, tentative handwave at ears (when prompted: ‘Pointy?’)
Jim Kirk: played by Patrick Stewart
Bones: no
Hey ho. We’re all civil partnershipped up now so it’s a bit late for me to change my mind,* and anyway Spock is the best one.
*This is the opposite of what our CP actually is, which is a bit of paper, and if/when one of both of us decides we’d be happier not spending quite so much time watching hard quizzes together, that will be ok. But we did have a lovely day, and people were very kind, and we got to look all fancy. We chose Wendy Cope’s The Orange as a reading, and one of Gail Myerscough’s glorious typewriter prints now lives in our house with a quote.
The Doctor didn’t recognise David Soul either. But I’m not sure I’m meant to know who David Soul is. Starsky & Hutch started a month before I was born; ‘Don’t Give Up On Us Baby’ was a couple of years later, though I think ‘Silver Lady’ was the 7-inch my sister bought. Maybe - bear with me - we’re not all fixed in amber by our ages, our eras, and we absorb the cultural stuff that happens to appeal, whenever we happen to wander across it.
(For clarity: Starsky is the best one.)
Sheena Wilkinson is the multi-award-winning author of nine novels for young adults. Her adult debut, Mrs Hart's Marriage Bureau, a bittersweet romance about friendship, loneliness and the unexpected places where we find fulfilment, is due out in March from Harper Collins Ireland.
What did you do later in life than some people?
I was a menopausal bride.
At 50, following 20 years of single celibacy - and I really do mean, no dates, no relationships, just the occasional tryst with my rampant rabbit when I could be bothered, I fell deeply in love with a man I'd known for over 25 years, after he was widowed.
Reader, I married him aged 53.
What did people around you say about it?
Most people were absolutely charmed, and so happy for us.
They could see that he had suffered a terrible blow - losing his beloved wife to cancer when she was only 50, and that we both deserved to find happiness together. A few people were judgemental because we got together just over a year after his wife died, but we ignored them.
What do you think was harder because of when you did it?
Finding a dress that looked bridal but didn't make me look like mutton dressed as lamb, given that I was accessorising it with a HRT patch...
It was hard to let go of the absolute control of having lived alone for 24 years. People assumed that my husband was the one with emotional baggage - dead wife, teenage son - but I realised that my independence was a kind of baggage too. I'll admit that I'm selfish, because in order to negotiate life alone in a world that's made so much easier for couples, you have to be tough. I became a stepmother, having had no very strong desire for kids. And I had to move sixty miles from the home I loved because we couldn't uproot my stepson. I'd always been the only person to be affected by my choices, and suddenly there were other people. It was a steep learning curve.
What do you think was easier?
We don't need to be reminded to be grateful for each day, because when you get together in middle age, especially when one of you has been widowed, you know life is precious.
I never really felt lonely as a single person, but I didn't understand what hard work it actually was, to stay on the right side of loneliness. Just spending an evening watching TV together, maybe following a drama, or playing along with a quiz, still feels such a novelty.
Plus I learned to play chess! You can't really play chess when you live alone. I know a lot of people take that kind of companionship for granted, but neither of us do.
If you could have your time again, would you do anything differently?
I don't think so. I don't think there's much point in even thinking that way. I'm actually grateful for my many years alone because of the self-reliance they taught me.
If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?
Don't be in such a rush. Things happen in their own time, and you're younger than you think you are. Also - look after yourself. I mean, I did, more or less, but I am much more conscious of fitness, etc now than I used to be. I took up running at 50, and netball at 54...
You can read more about Sheena’s books at her website, and find her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
Are you a Late Bloomer too? If you’d like to be interviewed, drop me an email.
Another great read Susie. I agree, Paul Michael Glaser was the best. This brought back memories of a bright red jumpsuit which had a picture of Starsky and Hutch embroidered on the top pocket. A photograph exists somewhere!
I love this - as someone who lives alone I definitely see what Sheena means about staying on the right side of loneliness